It’s natural that as we move into our senior years, we need extra support to live safe, happy and contented lives.
For most elderly people, talking to family about the future is often fraught with difficulty. Discussing where we might live and how we will be cared for forces us to confront complex emotions. Often, people avoid discussing the matter altogether.
If you have an elderly parent who may soon need care, or you are concerned that they have unmet care needs now, having the conversation about long-term care needs is not always easy. In this guide, we offer advice on approaching a conversation with your elderly parents about their care needs.
Talking with elderly parents about their care needs
As tough as the conversation may be, it’s important to talk to your elderly parents sooner rather than later to develop a plan for long-term care if they ever need it. If you wait for an emergency to strike, emotions will be running high and you’ll likely have fewer options to choose from.
Most elderly people fear a loss of independence and control over their lives. It’s also difficult for them to contemplate their future and they may worry that discussing care needs with family means being forced into a care situation they do not want. These fears make it hard for them to acknowledge that they need help.
It’s likely that you will have several discussions with your parents, giving them time to consider their needs and wants, both now and in the future. It’s important that you don’t try to rush the process or add undue pressure.
Keep in mind as you start having conversations, to be respectful and understanding as your parents may be initially reluctant to talk about this uncomfortable topic. Acknowledge that it’s difficult to talk about, but that it’s important to discuss so that the family knows their wishes and everyone can be prepared if they ever do need care.
Types of care for the elderly
Before you start talking with an ageing parent about long-term care, it’s important to prepare. Educate yourself on different care options and consider how each type may work for your parent and the family.
Be open to all possibilities. While it’s normal that you may have personal preferences, remember that unless there is a lack of mental capacity, the decision lies with your parent and their wishes should be respected. Remind your parent that being proactive helps them stay in control.
The main types of care options for the elderly are:
Community residential setting
- Residential care home
- Residential nursing home
- Sheltered housing
- Assisted living housing
Care at home setting
- Moving in with relatives
- Home care support – visiting care or live-in care
Explore these options so that when it comes to talking with elderly parents about their care needs, you are already informed.
To find out more about care options for the elderly, download our Homecare Live-in Care or a Care Home Comparison Guide.
How to prepare for a conversation with your elderly parent about care
Have the conversation as early as possible. Rather than waiting for a health crisis to force the issue, tackling this difficult decision early can help all of you reach a decision and start planning with much less pressure.
Talk in person and pick your moment. If you can be together to have a face-to-face conversation, great. If not, set up a video call so you can at least see each other during the discussion. Try to arrange a time when you and your parents are well-rested and relaxed. Choose a time and location where you can talk privately without interruption.
Consider who should be involved and don’t tag team. When discussing sensitive topics like long-term care, siblings should avoid appearing as if they are “ganging up” or have an agenda that they are trying to force. Instead, appoint one or two adult children to broach the subject. For some families, this conversation is best started in a casual way, while other families may feel more comfortable in the more formal setting of a family meeting. Consider what’s most comfortable and appropriate for your family.
Prepare what you want to say beforehand. Think about how past serious conversations have gone with the family members involved and what barriers or conflicts you may experience. If you are worried that the conversation could spark arguments or difficulties, take a read of our guide on how to hold family meetings to agree on elderly parents’ care.
How to start the conversation
Your parent’s current health status and care needs may define how you start the conversation. If planning for the future, you may want to focus on the financial considerations of long-term care and their future wishes.
One way to start the conversation is to discuss an article you’ve read or prior discussions you’ve had about the cost of elderly care and the need for planning. Focusing on the financial side might make the conversation easier. For example, you could say something like, “I recently read an article about the costs of elderly care. Have you ever thought about what type of care you would like if you needed it?”
If your parents have more urgent care needs, focus on how they are managing in daily life and what concerns you and they may have about their welfare, comfort and safety. Be sure to discuss areas they may need support with due to their health, without making them feel like they are losing independence or control. You could start by asking questions, such as:
- How is it living at home alone? Do you still feel safe?
- Are there any tasks you would like help with, such as paying bills, or any tasks you find difficult to do, like cleaning or gardening?
- Do you feel lonely sometimes? Would you like to spend more time with people?
- With {health condition} it must be difficult to do {task}, would it help if you had more support?
- Ever wonder about getting a helping hand with housekeeping, laundry or the garden?
- Would you feel less stress if you didn’t have to worry about keeping up with household chores?
It’s common for elderly people to downplay their support and care needs. If this is the case for your parents, it can be helpful to spend time observing their daily living so you can see what tasks they find difficult.
The care conversation – what to expect
When talking with an ageing parent about long-term care, you want to ultimately reach an agreement on:
- Where your parents prefer to receive care
- Who will provide care
- Ways to pay for care
It may take time to get to a stage in the conversation where these points are being considered. Take your time. These tips may help the conversations go more smoothly:
- Avoid information overload. Sharing information about care options can be helpful, but overloading the conversation with research and statistics is overwhelming. When people feel overwhelmed, they can get defensive. And defensiveness will end a conversation fast — and make it hard to resume later. Take your time and make this a journey of discovery.
- Use good communication skills. It will be more effective if you offer options and not advice. Remember to ask for your parents’ ideas. Express your concerns rather than telling them what they should do. Listen carefully to any concerns so you can address them. Use open-ended questions that foster discussion rather than closed questions that are answered with a “yes” or “no.”
- Agree to disagree. You may feel that you know what needs to be done, but you and your parents may disagree with each other. Don’t try and bully your way through. Their wishes should prevail unless their health or safety is in question.
- Revisit the conversation as needed. The first conversation may not be successful, but you shouldn’t give up. It’s typical when discussing care needs with elderly parents that they may need to be convinced. With that in mind, it’s important that you are willing to revisit the conversation as needed, maintaining composure and respect each time.
Why home care is the preferred option for the elderly
In today’s elderly care landscape, there are more options available than ever before. This is partly due to the UK’s increasing ageing population and growing trends of families living geographically apart from each other.
Home care is increasingly becoming the preferred option for care and support of the elderly. In a recent survey by the Live-In Care Hub, when asked about elderly care, 97% of people said they do not want to move into a care home if they become ill or less able to cope.
Home care services provide varying degrees of support, from visiting care from as little as 1 hour per visit, or live-in care for round-the-clock support. Many home care providers, such as Trinity Homecare, also offer support for people with complex health needs, such as dementia care or cancer care, for example. This means that all elderly people’s care needs can be met with home care, if they so wish.
One of the main reasons home care is so popular is that it is very cost-effective – often the cost of live-in home care is comparable with residential care home costs, but with the added benefit of one-to-one personalised care in the comfort of one’s home.
Explore home care with Trinity Homecare
If you are considering home care for your elderly parents, get in touch with us to discuss your options. We offer a free no-obligation enquiry service, including a free at-home care needs assessment, so we can fully understand your needs and wishes before you make any decisions about care.
Call our friendly care team today on 01908 183 4648 , lines are open daily from 7.30 am to 5:30 pm. Alternatively, complete our online enquiry form, and we will get in touch very soon.
